I Never Want to Feel That Way Again

November 27, 2023
Photo of a dimly lit bar with three empty bar stools.

The other week I shared on my TikTok an experience I had with old memories bubbling up when I least expected it. I want to share it with you.

I had ordered a Cobb salad to pick up for lunch from a local restaurant before running errands for the day. It was 11:15am when I got there. The restaurant had just opened, and the kitchen was still finishing up my salad.

You have to go inside the bar to get your takeout, and when I walked in, there was this man sitting at the bar. The whole rest of the bar was empty, the room really dark. And I was immediately hit with a flashback.

Me, sitting in a bar right when it opened, the only one there.

Every day for the last couple of years of my addiction, I would “work” at one of several local bars. I would order a glass of wine or two, then move on to a different bar to “be sure no one knew what I was really doing.” I would bounce around the various bars and restaurants of this small town I lived in.

As I stood there waiting for my salad, I was flooded all over again with what it felt like to be sitting there. The loneliness, the desire to die, the isolation, the disconnection, the depression, the profound anxiety. And no glass of wine was ever big enough.

My reaction wasn’t about this man. It was me I saw sitting there.

Today I teach families how to understand addiction from this side of the lens so they can change the way they respond.

I certainly want MY family to know the truth, because the one thing I know more than anything in the world is I never, ever, ever want to be sitting on that bar stool again.

If you want to learn more about addiction, make sure you’re in our Friends of Tipping Point community. I go live every week, and I’m happy to shed light on any questions you have.

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