I was on a call with a mom last week. Her son is 26, actively using, and she’s exhausted.

“I’m his case manager,” she said. “I coordinate all his appointments. I make sure he has rides. I follow up with his probation officer. I remind him about court dates. I check in with his sponsor.”

I asked her: “Did you apply for that job?”

Silence.

“Because here’s the thing,” I continued. “You’re working full-time as his case manager. And you’re not getting paid. And he didn’t hire you. And you can’t fire him as a client. So basically, you’ve taken on a job you never applied for, with a boss who doesn’t respect you, and you can’t quit.”

She started laughing. Then crying.

Because it’s true.

Here’s what I’ve learned from working with hundreds of families:

Most of you are working multiple jobs you never applied for. And you don’t even realize it.

Let me show you what I mean. Here are some of the actual “job titles” families have shared with me when I ask them what roles they’ve taken on:

• Case Manager
• Financial Manager
• Transporter (Uber driver)
• Worrier (Queen Worrier, several people called it)
• Rescuer
• Personal Assistant
• Budgeting Coach
• Control Freak
• Detective
• Banker
• Therapist

Sound familiar?

Here’s the problem:

When you’re working all these jobs, you’re doing FOR your loved one what they should be doing for themselves.

And when you do FOR them what they should be doing for themselves, you remove consequences. You remove discomfort. You remove the very thing that might motivate them to change.

You’re not helping. You’re helping the addiction continue.

One of our clients, Lindsay, said it perfectly:

“I fired myself as the case manager. Then I realized I’d just re-hired myself as his personal assistant. ‘Well, he probably needs a planner now that he’s sober,’ I thought. So I had to fire myself again.”

See how sneaky it is?

You fire yourself from one role and immediately create a new job description.

Here’s what I want you to do:

Take a piece of paper. Write down at the top: “Jobs I’m Firing Myself From.”

Then list them. All of them.

Case manager? Write it down.
Worrier? Write it down.
Financial manager? Write it down.
Rescuer? Write it down.

Don’t judge yourself. Just notice. What jobs have you taken on that you never applied for?

Now here’s the hard part:

You’re going to have to actually fire yourself. Not just write it down. Actually stop doing these jobs.

And that’s going to feel terrifying.

Because you’ve probably been doing these jobs for so long that you don’t remember what it feels like NOT to do them.

You might think: “But if I don’t coordinate his appointments, who will?”
Answer: Him. Or no one. Either way, it’s not your job.

“But if I don’t remind him about court, he’ll get in more trouble.”
Answer: Yes. And that might be exactly what needs to happen.

“But if I don’t worry about him, who will?”
Answer: Nobody needs to worry about him. He needs to worry about himself. And your worrying isn’t helping anyway, it’s just making YOU sick.

In Stop the Chaos, we teach families that you only need to change one thing: Everything.

And it starts here. With firing yourself from jobs you never applied for.

Because here’s the truth: While you’re busy being his case manager, his financial manager, his transportation service, and his worrier-in-chief, you’re not doing YOUR job.

Your job? Your own recovery. Your own life. 

In my next email, I’m going to show you a 10-question assessment that will reveal exactly where you’re stuck and what needs to change first.

But for now, just make that list.

What jobs are you firing yourself from?

Kate

P.S. If you’re realizing you’ve been working multiple jobs you never applied for and you don’t know how to quit without everything falling apart, that’s exactly what we teach in our programs. You don’t have to figure this out alone. Visit tippingpointrecovery.com to learn more about Stop the Chaos and our other programs. We’re holding a spot for you.