A question was emailed to me recently that I think a lot of loved ones of those struggling probably ask themselves all the time.

Here’s what the email said:

“I am having a hard time with the fear, of not having control over the situation, of not understanding why he keeps using. Why does he want to feel all the guilt & shame every time he uses?”

If you are someone who has never experienced addiction yourself, this is one of the hardest concepts to fully grasp.

Why do they keep using?

If they feel guilt and shame when they do it, why do they keep doing it?

If they know it’s hurting their health, why do they keep doing it?

If it keeps costing them their job, why do they keep doing it?

If they see the way it’s hurting themselves and those they love, why do they keep doing it?

My answer?

Because they are addicted.

Addiction is the compulsive engagement in a behavior, action, or thought, despite negative consequences.

Your loved one does not want to feel guilt and shame; he is addicted.

Your loved one does not want to keep harming herself; she is addicted.

Your loved one does not want to keep losing their job; they are addicted.

Your loved one does not want to keep hurting you. 

They. Are. Addicted.

And if that doesn’t make sense to you, I urge you to dig in to understand addiction more fully. That journey will help you immensely. And it will help them. 

Here’s the tricky part, because having just read that, you’re probably thinking, Right, makes sense. I get it. But if you’re like the hundreds of families I’ve worked with, the next words to pop into your mind are often, 

“But why…”

But why doesn’t he just stop?

But why doesn’t she just change?

But why do they go back to it again and again?

For someone whose brain has not been hijacked by addiction, it seems so simple. Using this substance has caused so much pain, trouble, and harm; therefore, they should stop. That is the rational conclusion.

But addiction is not rational. In fact, addiction inhibits rational thought. It hijacks the brain, causing a thinking problem, a coping problem, and a decision-making problem that dramatically lowers the ability to act on reason.

Studies of the brain reveal it goes off line; rational thinking cannot be accessed. 

Addiction is wanting to stop but not being able to.

Addiction is choosing to stop and doing it against your own permission.

Addiction is a condition that prevents them from stopping no matter how bad it gets.

It isn’t about whether they “want” to stop badly enough. 

It isn’t about them choosing their substance over you.

It isn’t about them not caring about the consequences of their continued use.

They have a condition that prevents them from stopping no matter how bad it gets.

The same way someone with clinical depression feels low no matter how good their life seems, or the same way someone with dementia continues to forget no matter how badly you or they wish to remember.

Addiction is a condition that makes it incredibly difficult for someone to stop using on their own. They need treatment to help them address the root issue and start acquiring the tools to function without the use of their substance. And most often, it takes many types and attempts of treatment before those tools are able to stick.

It’s okay if you struggle to fully accept this reality. It’s okay if you understand it intellectually but then slip back into wondering why they don’t change the way you wish they would. It’s okay if you need to ask this question again and again, if you need to read this blog post again and again.

Grasping this concept is about more than just understanding addiction intellectually. 

You have to get to the point where you believe it in your heart and accept it in your body so you can change how you respond to it. And that takes time. As well as lots of learning, unlearning, patience, inner work, and a willingness to do things differently. 

Pretty much exactly what is asked of your loved one in treatment.

That’s why we are now referring to our program as intensive outpatient for families. 

You can recover, and they can too.

Here’s where you can start:

1. Get my book, Dear Family, Why Your Loved One Won’t Accept Help and How To Help Them Anyway. It’s a comprehensive outline of our Dear Family Framework.
2. Join our Stop the Chaos training to help you integrate the teachings into your own practice.
3. Book a connection call to explore how we might help your family. 

Share with me in the comments: do you catch yourself struggling to fully accept this concept? What other questions do you have that I can help you understand?