Your loved one has a loop.

It’s called the addiction loop.

And it looks like this:

They use. They feel shame. They use to escape the shame. They feel more shame. They use more. The loop gets tighter and faster and harder to break.

You probably know this. You’ve watched them go around and around this loop for months or years.

But here’s what you might not know:

You have a loop too.

It’s called the chaos loop.

And it’s running parallel to their addiction loop. Feeding the cycle. Reinforcing it. Making it worse for you.

Let me show you what I mean.

The Chaos Loop:

Your loved one uses. You panic. You try to control the situation. You rescue them. You absorb the consequences. You exhaust yourself trying to fix it. They use again. You panic again. The loop continues.

Or:

Your loved one uses. You worry. You catastrophize. You imagine the worst. You can’t sleep. You can’t focus. You worry more. They use again. You worry more. The loop continues.

Or:

Your loved one uses. You become their case manager. You schedule their appointments. You call their probation officer. You manage their recovery for them. They don’t have to manage anything. So they use again. You manage more. The loop continues.

See the pattern?

You’re in a loop. And your loop is connected to their chaos loop.

When they use, you activate. When you activate, you lose peace, a part of yourself and your ability to offer healthy support. When they keep using, you activate more.

Around and around you go.

In my book “Dear Family,” we identify several common loops that families get stuck in:

The Case Manager Loop: You coordinate everything for them. They don’t have to be responsible. 

The Worrier Loop: You catastrophize. Your worry keeps you stuck in their addiction chaos instead of focused on your own recovery.

The Fixer Loop: You solve every problem. They don’t experience consequences. 

The Financial Manager Loop: You pay for everything. They never feel the financial impact of their choices. So they keep making expensive choices.

The Detective Loop: You check their phone. You search their room. You follow them. Your detective work makes you the bad guy and gives them an excuse to use. “I use because you don’t trust me.”

Which loop are you in?

Maybe you recognize yourself in one of these. Maybe you’re in multiple loops. Maybe you’ve created your own unique loop.

The point is: You’re in a loop. And as long as you’re in YOUR loop, they’re going to stay in THEIR loop.

Breaking the loop requires you to do something different.

Not them. You.

You have to:

• Stop managing their recovery
• Stop worrying on their behalf
• Stop fixing their problems
• Stop paying for their choices
• Stop investigating their behavior

You have to fire yourself from these jobs and do YOUR job: Your own recovery.

Here’s what happens when you break YOUR loop:

The system shifts. They get to start managing their own life. They can start feeling consequences. They will start experiencing the discomfort that may create motivation to change.

Or they don’t. And they keep using.

But either way, YOU’RE no longer stuck in the chaos loop. You’re recovering. You’re healing. You’re getting your life back. And this gives them a better chance at moving through stages of change. 

Because here’s the truth: You can’t break their addiction loop. Only they can do that.

But you CAN break your chaos loop. And when you do, you stop feeding the addiction.

So which loop are you in?

And more importantly: Are you ready to break it?

In my next post, I’m going to give you five words that will help you step out of your loop. They’re not easy to say. But they might save your life.

Talk soon,
Kate

P.S. If you’re realizing you’re stuck in a loop and you don’t know how to break it, that’s exactly what we teach in Stop the Chaos. We help you identify your loop, understand how it’s connected to their addiction, and learn how to step out of it. Visit tippingpointrecovery.com to learn more.