“She’s such a liar.”

“No, you don’t understand. He’s really manipulative.”

“They won’t just admit the truth.”

As a recovering alcoholic, I hear these painful statements from families all the time. And here’s what I tell them: 

I was a liar. 

I was manipulative. 

All addicts are.

Think about it this way — would you say, “My mother has Alzheimer’s. She’s just so forgetful”?  Of course not. We understand that forgetfulness is a symptom of Alzheimer’s. 

Well, lying, denying, and manipulation are symptoms of addiction.

The crucial difference? 

While doctors teach us what to expect with Alzheimer’s, few people are teaching families the truth of what’s going on with addiction. You see your active loved one lying to you and manipulating you, and you understandably assume they’re choosing to be a jerk.

What I want you to know is that the illness lies. The illness manipulates.

The illness has taken control.

So what are you supposed to do about it?

• Learn to speak addiction. 
• Learn to see through the illness to the person underneath (they’re still there, even if you can’t see them 99% of the time.)
• Learn to stop engaging with the addiction so it no longer takes your power. (This does not mean kick them out and cut them off.) 

To help with these steps, I’ve created a powerful new tool for my clients.

It’s a Disarming Statements Guide that gives scripts for ways to respond when the addiction is speaking. We need a new way to communicate, and this guide is just that. 

What’s a disarming statement? I give several examples in my book, Dear Family, including my favorite response when your loved one asks for something you’re not sure you want to give: “That’s a great question. Let me get back to you.” 

What’s great about this new guide is it gives disarming statements for specific situations, like what to say when your loved one insists they’re not drinking but it’s clear they are, or when they constantly make excuses, or when they accuse you of not caring about them because you didn’t do exactly what they wanted.

The feedback from clients has already been amazing. 

For now, it is available to clients in our programs, as the use of it is so nuanced, I want to have direct access to your specific circumstances. This way, I can help you tailor your responses. 

We will work on a version for the public, but it needs additional sections for those not yet familiar with our Dear Family™ Framework. We’re hoping to have it ready for you in the next few months. 

We’d love your input on its creation! 

👉 Comment below to share something that’s been said to you that you’d love a disarming statement for, or a scenario where you feel a disarming statement would be useful. 

Scenarios like when they say, “You never trust me,” or “It’s your fault I drink.” Think of those moments where you have no clue how to respond but wish you did.

Your shares help us create tools that actually make a difference.

💗 Kate