In my first year of recovery, I took a job as a case manager at a detox and rehab. I was eager to give back and help others find their own recovery.
It was in that job that I realized how the world tends to operate when it comes to treating addiction: most if not all of the emphasis is placed on the person with the disorder to do certain things in order to get better. And for the most part they’re expected to do it alone.
At large, there really is no expectation that the family is at the recovery table.
With any other illness, that’s typically not the case. If I got diagnosed with cancer, kidney disease, or some other progressive and chronic illness, my family would be the first people I’d tell. They’d be on my team, looking up clinical trials, coming with me to doctor’s appointments and treatment sessions, speaking to specialists, and learning everything there is to know about the condition.
Not only would they be there, but my doctors would expect them to be. They would encourage me to have my family involved. They would provide me with booklets and educational materials to share with my family. Family would be a part of my treatment plan.
What is different about addiction that this is largely not the case?
The reason family is not widely at the table when it comes to addiction is because the nature of addiction, the actual symptoms, prevent the person with it from being able to do what’s expected.
The brain of a person with substance use disorder has become hijacked by their addiction. There’s a literal change in the neurological pathways, making them unable yet to rationalize the way someone without addiction would.
The symptoms of their addiction, which include lying, denying, minimizing, blaming, and justifying, mean that when someone is told they have a problem and need treatment, they usually don’t go to their family for help.
They deny. They lie. They hide. They shift blame. They distract. And on top of all of it, they feel shame. Lots of shame.
Their addiction is what’s calling these shots, and their addiction does not want their family to be involved. Their addiction wants to keep as many aspects of their life compartmentalized so it can continue to thrive, and the longer their family is kept in the dark, the easier that is to achieve.
Tipping Point Recovery shines a light on the addiction so that families can get to the table.
I want families to be an automatic part of the treatment plan, just like with any other illness, because the more we surround addiction with recovery, the harder it is for addiction to survive.
It’s why I wrote my book, Dear Family: Why Your Loved One Won’t Accept Help and How To Help Them Anyway. It’s the book I wish my family had when I was struggling and keeping them in the dark.
The book is written to illuminate for you, the family, how you have also become unwell as a result of your loved one’s addiction and what you can do about it to not only help yourself but help your loved one at the same time.
Don’t wait for your loved one to invite you to the table; chances are, their addiction won’t let them. I’m inviting you to take a seat and step out of the dark addiction has kept you in.
If you find yourself hesitating, share with me—what’s keeping you from the table? I’d love to understand what you’re feeling so I can support you.
I’d love to be at the table. My son is in Avenues Recovery in Cambridge and I have not Ben invited to meet with any counselor?
Thank you for sharing. Every program is different so perhaps reach out and ask a staff member if you could be part of your son’s treatment plan? Feel free to reach out to us if you need direct advice.