This is a question that so many family members ask, often with frustration, sadness, or fear: “Why doesn’t my loved one want to get better?”

The reality is that most people struggling with addiction do want to get better. You just don’t get to see or hear from that part of them. 

There’s a blur between what is real and what is unconscious for us when we are in active addiction. I refer to this as the truth behind addiction. Most in active addiction don’t consciously realize they want recovery until they begin to experience it. And when I say recovery, I mean a better life.

This lack of apparent desire isn’t due to a lack of caring or an unwillingness to change. Instead, it stems from something deeper—a lack of self-worth.

I didn’t think a better life was possible for me.

I didn’t think it was possible because I didn’t think I deserved a better life. And I couldn’t want something that I didn’t see as possible. I couldn’t want something I didn’t believe I deserved.

I couldn’t want for myself when I didn’t like myself.

And I loathed myself. Most addicts do. And this worsens as the addiction progresses. 

Every nasty thing you’ve ever thought about your loved one, I thought worse about myself. If you had told me I was unwell and acting through the influence of my disease, I would have told you, “No way. I’m just a bad person.”

As the drinking increased, so did the self-loathing. Until all that was left was this empty shell of not giving a shit.

I lacked any sense of self-worth at the end. 

I recently saw a picture come up on Facebook from 11 years ago when I was two months sober. I’d driven a few hours from my sober house to visit my parents and family, and the photo is of me with my mom and dad.

During that visit, my parents had told me again and again how proud they were of me. How much they loved me. What a great job I was doing by staying sober. 

When I look at myself in that picture now, what I recall is I just wanted to run back to my sober house and sober community and get to a meeting, because I couldn’t receive the “I’m so proud of you” on that day.

Today, when someone says, “I’m so proud of you for writing your book!” I stand there and feel it. I can accept it because I’m proud of me too.

But when you can’t feel the praise, love, or kudos that’s coming at you because you don’t feel worthy of it, it just falls right off.

You can’t give your another person self-esteem.

Self-esteem is gained by doing esteeming things.

No amount of you loving me is going to make me feel that esteem for myself. 

It comes from doing hard things.

It comes from sitting in our discomfort and not being rescued or accommodated.

It comes from reconnecting with ourselves at our deepest, most honest level.

We have to live in the better before we can believe that it’s going to be better.

So what can you do as a family?

You can best support your loved one by letting them do the things that are esteeming.

We often want to do for our loved ones because we want to make it easier for them, but it usually doesn’t work out that way.

Instead, it robs them of the opportunity to do the hard thing themselves, to build that self-esteem. To discover their own worth.

So next time you catch yourself doing something for them, pause and ask yourself if this is something they could do on their own. Even if it will be hard for them. Hard doesn’t mean bad.

And if you find yourself needing support in learning to pause or do things differently, I suggest you start with our Stop the Chaos 1.0 Self-Study Training. 

When you join today for just $97, here’s what you receive:

• Instant, lifetime access to video trainings packed with information on what is really going on with your loved one and how you can help 
• Action steps to start doing things differently right away
• Worksheets, tools, and practical resources to guide your new recovery skills

Get Stop the Chaos 1.0 here.
Tell me in the comments, what is an esteeming thing you have done for yourself?