When we work with families, we do something that makes some people uncomfortable.

We ask them to look at themselves.

Not their loved one. Themselves.

But the truth is, once people start self reflecting, they are so happy they did. It changes everything. 

I ask them…On a scale of 1 to 10, where are you in YOUR recovery from the family disease of addiction?

Most family members have not considered that YOU need recovery. You think: “I’m not the one with the problem. Why do I need to recover?”

Here’s why:

Addiction is a family disease. If your loved one is sick, you’ve become unwell along the way. 

Let me give you my 10-question Addiction Impact Assessment.

Grab a piece of paper and rate yourself honestly on each one, 1 to 10, 10 being the highest score.

1. I understand that addiction impacts my loved one mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Do you really get this? Could you teach it to someone else? Or are you still treating addiction like a choice/moral/behavior problem instead of a brain disorder that keeps them stuck?

2. I understand addiction is a family disease and I have become unwell along the way.

Can you name the ways YOU’VE become unwell? The ways you’ve changed? The ways you’ve gotten sick?

3. I know what recovery looks like and what my loved one needs to experience it.

Do you know what treatment actually looks like for this disease? The various support they need at different stages of recovery? Do you know what your loved one needs? 

4. I know the stages of change and the stages of recovery.

These are clinical models. You wouldn’t know them unless you’ve studied this. Your loved one goes through stages, you do as well. Do you know what stage they’re in right now? Do you know how to support someone and motivate change at the various stages of change?

5. I’m confident in my loved one’s ability to fully recover and have an amazing life.

Where are you on this? A 10? Or are you secretly (or not so secretly) feeling hopeless?

6. I refrain from taking responsibility for their actions and well-being.

Are you making their appointments? Driving them? Waking them up? Paying their bills? Bringing them food? How much responsibility are you taking for their life?

7. I’m on a clear path of my own recovery.

Whatever that looks like for you. Are you? Or are you so focused on THEM that you’ve completely neglected yourself?

8. I’m part of a community where I receive regular support on my recovery journey.

Do you have ongoing support, education and professional guidance? Or are you trying to do this alone? (PS, this newsletter does not count as professional guidance.)

9. I feel healthy, energized, and joyful most of the time.

Be honest. When’s the last time you felt ANY of those things?

10. I live my life aligned with my values.

Are you? Or has addiction hijacked your entire value system?

Now add up your score.

The highest possible score is 100.

Where are you?

Here’s what I’ve learned from doing this assessment with hundreds of families:

Most people score low the first time they take it.

Many thought they were doing okay. Holding it together. Managing.

That’s because they have become accustomed to ‘just okay’ living.

But when you actually look at the questions, you realize: You don’t understand the disease completely. You are taking responsibility for your loved one’s life, choices and actions or inactions. You may have completely abandoned your own recovery. You may not be in community with others also working a program. You may feel terrible most of the time. And you are likely not living aligned with your values.

One woman scored a 23.

She teared up. “I had no idea I was this lost and I feel so relieved knowing I’m not crazy,” she said.

But here’s the beautiful part: Once you SEE it, you can change it.

You can’t fix what you can’t see.

So now you know where you are.

The question is: What are you going to do about it?

In our programs, we don’t just help you diagnose the problem. We give you the roadmap out.

In my next email, I’m going to show you what that roadmap looks like and why you only need to change one thing.

More soon,
Kate

P.S. If your score was lower than you expected and you’re ready to do something about it, click this link to sign up to join me for a live Dear Family Recovery Workshop on May 19th. I’ll walk you through exactly what to do first.