This week, one of our clients stood up in front of a room and told her story from the beginning.

Three years ago, she was raging. She would find beer her husband hid and pour it over his head. She followed him, checked drawers, set the tone for the entire house, and did not even realize she was doing it. Her husband had a withdrawal seizure on their kitchen floor. He turned blue. She called 911, completely composed, because by then managing his drinking had become her full time job.

She did everything for him. Inpatient, PHP, IOP, a sober companion living in their guest room. Her only question, for months, was “what can I do to change him?”

Then something started to shift.

She learned that a boundary is not a rule for someone else, it is about her own behavior. She learned to say “that might be true, I am not going to argue with you,” instead of fighting to be right. 

She learned to ask him after a relapse, calmly, “did you get the relief you were seeking?” instead of raging. Almost every time, the answer was no.

Here is what she told the room: when she got better, he got better. Not perfectly. He still struggles sometimes. But the frequency, the intensity, and the duration of his returns to use keep shrinking. She used to be on the roller coaster with him. Now she is on the ground, watching, sometimes eating popcorn, because that is how much power over his choices she actually has. Which is none. And that, she said, is freeing, not scary.

If all of this is possible, real change in her, real change in her marriage, a husband having relapses that are getting shorter and further apart, then I want to ask you something.

Where are you right now, and what have you been doing that is not actually helping?

Be honest. This is not about blame. It is about seeing clearly

What has already started to shift, since you found the Dear Family method?
Maybe it was one line in my book. Maybe it was a boundary you finally stated and held. Maybe it is a small change. Write it down anyway.

How has your life changed because of it? How has their life changed?
Not perfect. Not finished. Just different than it was.

If she could get here, where are you on that same spectrum, and what still needs to shift?
Change is not all or nothing. You are somewhere on a line between where you started and where you are headed. Locate yourself honestly, then ask what the next honest step actually is.

Email us at support@tippingpointrecovery.com and tell me where you land. I look forward to hearing from you

Speak soon,

Kate