I thought of this question recently as I found myself writing a check for someone.

Seven years ago I met a young man who was in active addiction. His mom attended the support group I was facilitating, and one particular week she had printed off a stack of flyers with his photo and her phone number because he was missing. Her son was homeless in New Jersey, so she got in her car and drove around, walking through the homeless encampments and handing out flyers to find him. It turned out, he’d had a septic infection and was days away from disaster.

While that intervention saved his life, he needed additional support to stay sober and stay on a recovery path. His mom asked him if he’d go to a meeting with me. He initially said no, but somehow she convinced him to agree. 

I just hung out with him; I met him right where he was at. 

We laughed. I told him my story, he told me his, and we became friends. I was his recovery coach for a while, and when he relapsed I helped him. Even when he didn’t want my help. 

I helped his girlfriend, along with his parents and sister, supporting them in learning about addiction and how to offer healthy help. They learned to set and hold boundaries, they learned to care more about his recovery and wellness than his feelings about their boundaries and in time, they were all recovering.

The check I wrote for this young man recently was for him and that same girlfriend—his now wife—whose wedding I attended.

Seven years ago, I never thought I would write this guy a check for anything, and here I was attending his wedding.

So to answer the question, when is it okay to give an addict money?

When they’re seven years sober and getting married.

Now, as I always say, every situation is different, so if you’re struggling to know whether it’s a good idea to give your loved one money or not, I recommend you book a connection call with me so I can offer guidance on your specific circumstances.

But I am so happy for this young couple, and I’m so proud of this young man. He’s a powerful example that there is always hope, and his family is an example of what is possible when you recover too.

To get started on your own recovery journey, here’s what we recommend:

1. Get my book, Dear Family, Why Your Loved One Won’t Accept Help and How To Help Them Anyway. It’s a comprehensive outline of our Dear Family Framework.
2. Take our Stop the Chaos training to help you integrate the teachings into your own practice.
3. Book a connection call to explore how we might help your family.