I was coaching a mom a few months ago, and she was sharing about her son.

He’d been using for three years. Every conversation ended in a screaming match. She couldn’t say anything right. Everything she said seemed to make him more defensive, more angry, more distant.

She was exhausted. Heartbroken. And completely stuck.

“I just want to help him,” she said. “But the minute I open my mouth, he explodes.”

I asked her what she was saying.

“I tell him I’m worried about him. I tell him I can see what’s happening. I tell him he needs help. I tell him he’s destroying his life.”

I said, “And what does he say back?”

“He tells me I’m controlling. That I don’t understand. That I need to back off. That he’s fine. And then he storms out or hangs up on me.”

Here’s what was happening.

Some of what she said may have been triggering his defensiveness. Not because she was wrong. But because when someone’s brain is hijacked by addiction, some things that may sound like an accusation, a judgment, or an attempt to control them can have the opposite impact we intend.

So I taught her one simple phrase to use the next time her son got defensive.

“I hear you.”

That’s it.

Not “You’re wrong.” Not “Let me explain.” Not “But what about…” Not “I’m just trying to help.”

Just: “I hear you.”

She looked at me like I was crazy.

“But that’s NOT true,” she said. “He’s clearly not fine. Why would I say something like that?”

I said, “You’re not agreeing with him. You’re not saying he’s right. You’re just showing him you heard him. That alone can lower the defensiveness.”

She tried it.

The next time her son said, “You don’t understand, I’m fine,” instead of arguing, she said: “I hear you.”

He didn’t yell this time. The conversation didn’t escalate. They stayed connected for a few minutes longer than usual.

This is a disarming statement.

A way of communicating that keeps YOU solid and grounded even when your loved one is in chaos. (By the way, it isn’t that you need their response to change…remember you don’t control their response.)

And while it doesn’t guarantee you’ll prevent a blow-up, it definitely helps prevent YOU from escalating. It keeps you from feeding the chaos. It gives you a way to stay calm in the storm.

Here’s what most families do instead (and why it often doesn’t work):

What NOT to say:

“You’re lying.”
(Activates shame)

“You need help.”
(Can make them dig in harder)

“I can see what’s happening to you.”
(May imply they’re blind/stupid, draws out defensiveness)

“You’re destroying your life.”
(Can shut down conversation)

“I’m just trying to help.”
(Can feel manipulative, like you’re making it about you)

All of these statements might be TRUE. But when someone feels the need to defend themselves, they push you away.

What TO say instead:

When they say “I’m fine. I don’t have a problem”:
You say: “I hear you.” (Then stop talking.)

When they say “You don’t understand”:
You say: “You’re right. I don’t.” (Then stop talking.)

When they say “Stop controlling me”:
You say: “You are right, I am scared. I’m sorry.” (Then stop talking.)

Notice the pattern? You’re not agreeing with their facts. You’re acknowledging their experience. And then you STOP.

No defending.
No explaining.
No convincing.

You remove the friction, so they stop pushing against you.

Here’s what can happen when you do this:

Their nervous system may calm down. The conversation is less likely to spiral. You create a better chance of staying connected.

And from that calmer place, there’s sometimes an opening for them to actually hear you.

Not always. Not even most of the time. But sometimes.

And here’s the other thing:

Even if they DON’T hear you, YOU have a better chance of staying grounded. You’re less likely to get pulled into the chaos. You’re less likely to say things you’ll regret later. You’re not feeding the loop the same way.

You find what is yours in YOUR lane.

This is Step 3 of our framework: Do Something Different.

Not arguing differently. Not explaining better. Not waiting for them to change.

Doing something completely different. Using language that disarms instead of escalates. Staying solid instead of reactive.

It’s a skill. And like any skill, it takes practice.

Here are a few more disarming statements to try:

“Tell me more about that.”
“I can see this is really hard for you.”
“I love you. And I’m here when you’re ready.”
“That sounds really frustrating.”
“I don’t know what to do here. But I’m willing to figure it out with you.”

You don’t have to use these exact words. But notice the tone: calm, curious, validating, not controlling.

That’s what disarms.

In my next email, I’m going to tell you about a moment that changed how I think about family recovery. It’s about why I was actually HAPPY when a dad said “I will never understand this.”

Because sometimes not understanding is exactly where you need to be.

Talk soon,
Kate

P.S. The way we can help you help your loved one doesn’t end with disarming statements. That’s a tool for you to use now that can help you reset, regain composure, get off the roller coaster for the moment. We do intervention services, email connect@tippingpointrecovery.com and ask us about them. It’s free to explore and we’re here for you.

P.P.S. If you’re realizing you need more than just a few examples and you want the full toolkit of disarming statements for every scenario families face, I have something for you. We’ve created a free guide called Disarming Statements: What to Say (and Not Say) When Your Loved One is in Active Addiction. It’s packed with specific phrases, real scenarios, and the exact language that keeps you grounded when everything around you is chaos. Grab it here: https://dearfamilybook.com/disarming-statements-guide