Last week, we talked about the real vs perceived problem with addiction. 

This week, I’m giving you the key principles of our Dear Family Framework—our proven method for creating change within your family system.

Keep in mind what I’m sharing here is a basic high level of these principles; there’s a lot more to each of them than I could ever share in one blog post. But it’s a good place to start.

The Keys Principles to Unlocking Recovery

1. They are not their addiction.

When your active loved one is yelling at you, manipulating you, lying to you, denying the severity of the problem, etc., try to remember that they are not well. They have the sickness of addiction, and the symptoms of that addiction are lying, denying, justifying, manipulating, minimizing. 

Addiction defends itself in all ways, but just like any other illness, the person is not their disease. They aren’t manipulating you because they hate you and have decided they like being a jerk. They are manipulating you because they are sick. They are drowning in this just like you are.

You may understand and agree with this on an intellectual level, but that doesn’t matter if you don’t change your response to them. This means understanding it at an intellectual level, but also accepting it in your heart and body so you can integrate it in your response to create change.

2. Their problem is not about drugs and alcohol.

Are drugs and alcohol presenting a problem? Yes. But they are not THE problem.

By fighting the drugs and alcohol, as so many families do, you’re actually fighting your loved one’s solution to their problem. And without understanding what that real problem is, there’s no way to offer effective alternatives to the drugs and alcohol, which is why focusing on the drugs and alcohol doesn’t work.

Again, you may understand this intellectually, but if your actions are still being driven by your frustrations at the drugs and alcohol, then you are still fighting the wrong problem.

So ask yourself, “Do I believe it’s not about the drugs and alcohol?” Rate yourself on a scale of 1-10 how fully you believe it. Is there a part of you that still scoffs internally or wants to push back? It’s okay if there is. Just notice it.

3. You have feelings and thoughts about your loved one’s disease.

This includes having feelings and thoughts about their behavior and the way you’re being treated, all of which are valid.

But your feelings and your thoughts are not their responsibility.

If we try to make our thoughts and feelings about our loved one’s addiction their responsibility, we give the sickest person in the family system the power to control how we feel and what we think. 

We give away our power.

We need to take our power back, and we do this by owning our own shit. As family, we need our own program. Because shoving down our thoughts and feelings won’t help either. We need to be able to think and feel them, to pull them up and unpack and process them.

The place to do that is with a therapist. With a sponsor. With a recovery coach. In a group program like ours with other people unpacking and processing similar stuff.

You are not wrong to have your thoughts and feelings. Honor them. Lean into them. 

But don’t put them on your loved one.

4. Change happens when you pull back from it.

It’s common for families and their addicted loved ones to get all tangled up. Imagine a knotted ball of yarn that you can’t find where one string ends and the other begins.

You’ve got to start to pull it apart.

You’ve got to take a step back to be able to see what’s going on, not just with your loved one but with you.

Because YOU are the thing you can change.

These principles were discovered by helping families like yours recover.

They’ve continued to be developed through over a decade of my own work as a recovering alcoholic and through working with thousands of families like Denise’s, whose use of these principles has equipped her to better help herself and her loved one as a result.

I Have A Much Better Understanding of Addiction. “This is a “must-have” book for those who have loved ones suffering from addiction, or for those who suffer from addiction. I have read other books, but never truly understood addiction until I read this book. I have a loved one who is addicted to a drug and because of the truths and words of wisdom Kate shares with us, I finally feel like I am better equipped to help myself, and thereby, help him. I feel there is hope for the first time in a long time. I refer back to this book when I need a refresher on how to handle a particular situation or what to say. Kate also has group meetings and zoom events that I attend regularly for support. If you are going through the pains of addiction for yourself or a loved one, buy this book!!! Thank you for caring and doing all you do, Kate.” – Denise, Dear Family Review

You can create this change for yourself and your loved one too.

Here are your next steps:

1. Read my book Dear Family, Why Your Loved One Won’t Accept Help and How To Help Them Anyway to better understand, process, and integrate these principles into your approach to addiction and recovery.
2. Watch the free replay of our Dear Family Method Masterclass. Get the replay here.
3. Join our Stop the Chaos training to start putting these principles into practice with the help of education, tools & resources.

And remember, you have the power to create change. But it starts with you.
Share in the comments 👉 Which of these principles most resonates with you? Which do you most struggle to accept?