If you are a family member of someone who struggles with addiction (or is in recovery from addiction), what is your sobriety date? Do you have one?

If you haven’t heard me talk about this before, you may be thinking, Why do I need a sobriety date? What am I sober from?

Let’s get into it.

What do family members have to get sober from?

If you live with or love someone who has a substance use disorder, it is highly likely you have become unwell.

Addiction is frightening, maddening, and confusing, and most people who are close to it for any length of time end up with strong feelings of anger, hurt, confusion, and sadness. Very likely, you have resentments you are holding on to and misguided expectations. You’ve been gaslit, lied to, and manipulated. And as a result, the chaos that is all of this, likely has you not living your best life. We, those who love the addicted person, become addicted as well. 

Have you become addicted to your anger, to feeling like a victim, to trying to find out if your loved one is drinking and/or where the bottles are hidden or catching them in a lie?

The impact this has had on you is part of the family disease of addiction.

Your loved one is unwell, and you have become unwell as a result of being in proximity to their addiction.

When I urge family members to get “sober,” I’m inviting them to get well from the effects of addiction on them.

Why do I want you to have a sober date?

I want you to get well from the effects of the family disease of addiction for two main reasons:

1) You do not deserve to be treated the way you are being treated. You deserve to get your voice back, to find your peace again, to live a happy life. 

2) And, when you start to get well, did you know that you give your loved one a greater opportunity to get well?

When you start to get well from the effects of your loved one’s disease, you get your voice back. You get your power back. You stand up for yourself. You unplug from that chaotic cycle that you find yourself in.

Picture a plug going into a wall socket. When it’s plugged in, all that energy of addiction is feeding straight into you, zapping your lifeforce. When you pull the plug out of the wall, you cut off the addiction and can pull all the energy that you’ve been spending trying to fix or help or bribe them into recovery and into getting better back to you. 

Unplugging from the addiction is not the same as cutting your loved one off; it’s not kicking them out and it’s not “tough love.” It’s unplugging from the energy that addiction is pulling you under.

And when you unplug from the addiction and start to recover, you free up more of your loved one’s bandwidth to start to recover as well.

So, what is your sober date?

When did you decide enough is enough?

When did you decide that your loved one’s addiction had made you unwell, and you would not plug into its energy any longer?

When did you decide to start setting boundaries with your loved one?

When did you decide to prioritize your own health, your own wellness, and your own recovery?

When did you decide?

Is it right now?

It feels really good to put a stamp on it, to choose a date and honor it. To celebrate your decision to no longer live in the chaos of addiction and instead walk the path of recovery.

Maybe today is that day for you.

If you’re just getting started on your own recovery journey, the best place to start is with my book Dear Family, Why Your Loved One Won’t Ask For Help and How To Help Them Anyway. It’s everything I wish my family had when I was active in my addiction, because a real turning point for me in my recovery was when they unplugged from what I was doing.

I’ll be sharing more about the book and the methodology it walks through on October 6, 2024 at my author event and book signing. Join me, either in person or virtually, at Bull Run Restaurant in Shirley, MA to celebrate families like you doing the work to get better and help your loved ones get better in the process.

Get your tickets here (to select your ticket type, click on a table in the seating chart, even for live stream only).

If you’re in recovery from the family disease of addiction, drop your sober date in the comments. Let us celebrate our recovery journeys together!