A daughter sat in a doctor’s office with her 87-year-old mother. Her mother had been getting lost driving to places she’s known for years. 

The doctor asked her: “How’s your memory?”

The mom answered: “Fine.”

The daughter looked at the doctor, and looked at her mom and decided today was the day. She chose to be the bad guy because she knew nothing changes if nothing changes. 

“Actually, it’s not fine. She’s getting lost multiple times a week.”

The mom glared at her daughter. “What is it you are trying to accomplish here?”

She was pissed. 

Here’s what is happening in that moment-

The part of the mother’s brain that assesses whether her memory is working is the same part that’s broken by dementia. Her brain literally cannot process that her memory is failing.

She’s not lying. She’s not in denial in the way we usually think of denial. Her disease has hijacked the exact part of the brain that would recognize the disease.

Addiction works the exact same way.

When your loved one says “I don’t have a problem” or “I can stop anytime I want,” they might actually believe it. The addiction has rewired the brain’s assessment system. 

The part that would recognize the danger is the part that’s compromised.

Read that again!

Think about it like this: Imagine asking someone who’s blind to look at something. They can’t. No matter how many times you point at the object you’re asking them to look at, no matter how much you explain what it looks like, their brain cannot process what you are seeing.

That’s what you’re up against.

So here’s what most of us do…

We wait. We think, “When it gets bad enough, they’ll see it. When they lose enough, they’ll want help.”

But you’re not being patient. 

You’re waiting for a broken assessment system to suddenly start working.

That’s the definition of insanity. 

And while you wait, what are you doing? Are you paying for things? Covering for them? Rescuing them from consequences?  Absorbing the chaos? Trying to keep everything together until they “see the light?”

If so, this means you might be accidentally making it easier for the addiction to continue.

I learned something working in this field for 12 years. 

Families make almost identical excuses to avoid getting help as their addicted loved ones make to avoid treatment.

The loved one says: “I don’t have a problem.”
The family says: “We don’t need help, we just need him to see he has a problem.”

The loved one says: “I can handle this myself.”
The family says: “I’m trying.”

The loved one says: “It’s not that bad.”
The family says: “It’s not that bad yet.”

See the pattern?

Both are waiting. Both are not addressing what’s actually needed. Both think that understanding or willpower or time will fix it.

Here’s what I want you to understand:

There are things you can do right now. Strategic, effective things that move the needle toward recovery even when your loved one is nowhere near ready.

But it requires you to stop focusing on getting THEM to see the problem and start focusing on what’s actually yours to manage.

It requires you to understand that their brain can’t see what you’re seeing, so you need to stop wasting energy trying to convince them.

And it requires you to stop accidentally being a resource for the addiction while you wait.

That’s what I’m going to teach you over the next few emails.

Not theory. Not platitudes. Actual methodology that works.

Because family recovery doesn’t require your loved one to be ready. It requires YOU to be ready.

Talk soon,
Kate

P.S. If you’re ready to stop waiting and start learning what actually works, we can help. We’ve been doing this for 8 years with hundreds of families. Reply to this email or visit www.tippingpointrecovery.com to learn more about our programs.