Here’s the story of the very first boundary I ever set many years ago. Prior to this experience, I hadn’t heard the word boundary and let’s just say my actions were often based on what I thought others wanted. Unconsciously.

I was married and my three kids were young and every single Sunday looked the same in my house.

We went to the 9:30 Mass. We’d need to leave for church at 9:20 to be on time (which was really important to me) so I’d have myself and the kids ready at 9:15. My husband would jump in the shower right at 9:20 and say I’ll be fast. Every week. Like clockwork. And every week we’d end up late, and I’d end up furious, and I’d say something about it, and nothing would change.

This went on for a long time. I could have kept doing what I was doing. Reminding him earlier. Getting angrier. Trying to control the one thing that wasn’t actually in my control, which was his behavior.

But someone had suggested to me that I was contributing to this pattern. That hit me. And it was true.

So one day I told him something different.

“When you get in the shower at 9:20, we end up late. Because of that, I’m going to leave at 9:20 with the kids whether you’re ready or not.” I remember being worried he’d be mad. I also remember saying it really kindly and letting him know I wouldn’t be mad. He could take his car to meet us there and I would save him a seat.

And then the next Sunday, I thought “uh oh, now I have to follow through!” 

So I did it. I got the kids and myself ready, and I left at 9:20. He was getting in the shower and I drove off.

He walked into church late and I distinctly remember I smiled and scooted over kindly. 

That’s a boundary. Not a threat. Not a consequence. I was matter of fact, I was kind, and I was clear. Being early or on time mattered to me and someone else’s behavior was not allowing that to happen. I controlled what I could.

Most of what families call a boundary isn’t actually one.

Instead it’s a warning, or a wish, or a rule about someone else’s behavior that depends on them cooperating in order to work. A real boundary isn’t about controlling when he gets in the shower. It’s about deciding what I’m going to do regardless of when he gets in the shower.

That distinction changes everything. The moment your boundary is actually about your own behavior, it stops requiring their permission to work. You don’t need them to agree. You don’t need them to change first. You just need to decide what you’re willing to do, and then do it.

This is one of the skills we build with you, step by step, inside Foundations. Not the theory of boundaries. The actual, specific, “here’s exactly what to say and do” version.

Speak soon,
Kate

P.S. If you’ve set a boundary before and it didn’t hold, it’s likely because it was dependent on what someone else did. Not a boundary. Or you felt scared to hold it – and that’s something we can help you learn to do. We’d love to help you build one that you can hold. Book a connection call with our team here: Book here.