I want to answer a question I hear all the time…

Does this work?

The answer is yes. Absolutely. The only time it doesn’t work is when you don’t work it. Or when you stop working it.

But let me back up first…

Addiction takes a person down to the depths of having zero self-worth. It’s progressive and chronic. And it robs a person of their sense of value…their belief that they’re worth saving.

Many people in active addiction have such a low sense of self-worth that they can’t scrape up any motivation to change. Because motivation to change requires at least an ounce of self-care. Care of self.

There’s a mom in our program who’s been with us for about a year and a half. She’s been constantly changing herself. Her understanding of addiction. Her expectations. And she’s fully embracing her recovery. Shows up consistently. Does the work.

What we witness is a family member working on themselves.

Many people come through the door because they want their loved one to change. When I tell them if you work on yourself, it will help your loved one…people often come in ready to do a little change. And then they measure if it’s working by whether their loved one is changing.

That’s a setup for disappointment.

Because it doesn’t work that way. It may work that way. But that’s not the point.

The framework is this…keep working on you. Find yourself. Find the ways you’ve lost yourself because of this disease and because of how your own sense of self has declined over time.

From that place. From growing your own sense of inner trust and understanding of the disease and how you’re tangled up in it…from that place, the way you offer help looks entirely different.

So this mom’s son has been in and out of treatment multiple times. Civil commitment. Treatment on his own. He’s been angry at her. He’s relapsed again and again.

And here’s what we’re seeing now…

He’s starting to show small signs of self-worth. Enough pockets of sobriety are allowing him to begin to consider getting well for himself.

At times, he’s saying things like: I’m afraid if I go to that treatment center, I’ll leave.

That statement is coming from the part of him that knows he’s worth more. That knows this illness is trying to kill him.

That part is still small at the beginning. A tiny seed. And we’re teaching his mom to feed that seed in him and to feed that seed in herself.

That’s the work.

So a mom like this might say it’s not working because her son isn’t long-term sober yet.

But that’s not how recovery works.

Recovery works a layer at a time. And if this young man needed a year and a half of his mom showing up differently for herself and for him, and of him bumping along the journey, to even begin to find a tiny bit of self…then it’s working.

It always works. It’s just not a guarantee what someone else in your life will do with it. 

But it always works for you. It always works to get your peace back. To get your life back. To get more clarity. To get more understanding. To get untangled from the codependent ways you’re living.

And you are worth finding and healing.

And…all of this reclaiming of yourself helps them. It helps them because you stop accommodating, it helps them because you’re not enabling, it helps them because you’re allowing them to have their experience. It helps them because you’re increasing your compassion. It helps them because you have new resources.

Addiction robs us all of our sense of self-worth. Both the addicted person, and the family member desperately trying to save them.

We can’t save them. We can save us.

And by saving us, we’re demonstrating what it looks like to turn away from addiction and turn toward self.

That’s the biggest gift you can give yourself. And that’s what gives your loved one a far better chance of finding it themselves. Our outcomes prove this. 

You’re getting out of the way.

This is not a guarantee that they will do x y and z. But they have a far better chance if we stop being complicit and if we start managing our own stuff. When we become so in love with our own breath and life we will model fullness and we will feed the part of our mind (and theirs) that sees hope and possibility rather than the part that feeds despair and helplessness.

Speak soon,

Kate

P.S. What are the small signs you’re seeing in your loved one that show you they’re starting to gain a sense of self? And what are the signs in you that show you’re starting to gain a stronger sense of self? That’s recovery. That’s the work.

P.P.S. If you’re ready to look at what’s yours to work on and how this framework could support your family, book a connection call with our team. Thirty minutes. We’ll learn about your situation and tell you the best way we see our services supporting change in your family.