I have decided to cut all of my hair off. 

Yes, you read that right. 

I am shaving my head, or at least going down to a number one or two razor.

I’ve been sharing this on Facebook and on TikTok and with family and friends, because that’s who I am. I’m someone who is on a path of discovery and recovery. And I’m about the journey, not the destination. I’m a process person. And this has been a fascinating process. 

So I wanted to come here and share a bit more about what led to this decision, and what’s happened since I made this decision. And then of course, I’ll probably be sharing more once I do this, because the learning and the healing never ends. 

I’m someone who has learned that the human experience is about getting back to our true, core self, remembering who we really are. You’ve probably heard the phrase “We all wear a mask.” When I got sober from alcoholism almost 10 years ago, there were so many layers of masks on me that it’s been a continued journey pulling them back, one I’ve learned never really ends. As long as I’m a human being, I’m going to be exploring my true nature, my true essence.

How does my hair fit into this?

A few weeks ago on a Saturday morning, I was getting ready to do errands. And I was having that internal battle, that internal conversation that I have had literally since junior high school about my hair and not liking it. There’s been a constant dialogue of “I hate my hair, it’s too thin, it doesn’t do what I want. It’s not pretty. My face is not pretty either.” 

That’s been the story. And we all know now that the inner dialogue is not necessarily true. But knowing that doesn’t mean it instantly goes away. I’ve done a lot of work on self-acceptance, learning how to trust and love myself, and I do care for and about myself a lot.

But that inner dialogue is still there. 

The past few months I’ve been really exploring all of the things I have resistance around in my life. I’ve just gotten rid of so much that caused me resistance, whether it was people, places or things.

So this particular morning, I was noticing that maybe I should just get rid of all my hair. 

I was probably 60% a “Yes!” I was not at all 100% ready to do this. But it was 60/40 I was thinking about it.

And so I put on this headband that covered all my hair so I could look in the mirror and just see what I would look like with no hair. And then I put a hat on over that. And then I went out and did errands, and I just experienced that morning being out in the world with my hair not showing on my face. 

And I felt free. 

So I decided to shoot a TikTok on that experience, which ended up kind of blowing up. And it was in that comment section and in the conversations with strangers from TikTok that helped me explore my true decision around this.

First I want to say that because I don’t know the people on TikTok, the comments aren’t charged for me like they can be coming from family, friends, and people I’m close with. I don’t have that with strangers because I don’t have an emotional connection. So it was really valuable for people to just hold up their thoughts and for me to see whether it’s true or not for me.

For example, there were a lot of comments from women in their 50s, 60s, and 70s just telling me to go for it. Saying, “If you want to do it, it’s just hair. It’ll grow back.” Those comments were lighting my insides up, affirming the “yes” for me.

Then when I saw a comment that said, “Don’t do it. Just get a pixie cut. Just get a short cut. See if you like it. Take it in stages.” Well, I’m 60 years old. I’ve been taking this in stages since I was 12. I’ve been dealing with this hair, and new hairdressers, and new color, and new products my whole life. So the thought of “just get a short haircut,” I realized when I saw that comment, that’s a no for me. 

So I was getting closer to really understanding what was happening for me and why. And you know what happened?

I started to love my hair.

Over these few weeks of being in conversation with people, I’ve come to like my hair better. It’s really cool to watch my insides change. Nothing’s changed on the outside yet, but my insides are changing. 

So that just is a perfect example of being present, identifying what you’re feeling and thinking, deciding if it’s true or not, and getting closer to your truth. When you do that, resistance goes away. 

The other thing that came up was my oldest daughter commented quickly on the TikTok saying, “Oh, my God, Mother, please don’t be impulsive.” 

Now, she’s known me her whole life, and she has known the impulsive person that I used to be. And what I realized in talking with her about this is that that impulsive teenager I used to have in me, that was pretty alive for a while in my 40s too…she’s moved out. She’s gone. 

When I really want something, I don’t make rash decisions. I actually sometimes take longer than some people might to decide, because I’m being really careful. And I want to affirm that yes, I know what it feels like now in my body to be a yes for something. So I wait for that. So this 60% I want to cut all my hair off was growing to 80-85% over the past few weeks.

And then I had an experience that was very healing. 

My son had a party for his birthday and my mom’s birthday. So the whole family was together last week, and I said to my parents who hadn’t heard the news yet: “I’m cutting all my hair off.” 

Their reaction was understandably one of surprise. And the look on their faces is what I want to talk about for a minute. Because I’ve had some incredible healing around this.

I used to interpret that look on their face as shaming. Disapproving disdain, even, is how I would think of it. Growing up, I would have told you that there were periods of time where my parents had disdain for me. 

Now, that is not true at all. I know they love me. I know they don’t disdain me. And what was really cool in that moment was I felt the residual disdain when I saw the look of shock on their face. It reminded me of being a child and how I felt, and I realized I don’t feel that way anymore. That’s not the look. They’re super supportive. They’re like my biggest fans. They are surprised by me at times. But hello, that’s my nature and personality. Of course, they’d be surprised. There’s nothing wrong with that. 

I don’t have to internalize that as me being bad or wrong. 

I talked to them the next weekend, and they said, “We want to know about your hair, what’s going on? What was your decision?” And they leaned in, and they were curious, and they were kind, and they were loving. And they told me about how they used to call me “curl the girl” because of my curly hair at two years old. My mom sent me a picture, and when I looked at it, it was the opposite of what I grew up thinking.

You know how we grow up thinking when people look at us and they say certain things, that they’re feeling a certain way about us? Even if they are, it doesn’t mean that we need to own that as true. 

That’s freaking powerful. 

So my friends, I haven’t even cut my hair off yet, and already in these few weeks, there’s been a lot of healing and growth. And I now look in the mirror and I like my face. And I like my hair more.

So why am I still doing this? Why am I cutting all my hair off? 

Because throughout this process over the last few weeks, I have learned hair holds energy and memory. And I’m releasing all that I have resistance around.

I don’t want a pixie cut; I want it gone. I want to get rid of it, I want to stop coloring it, and I want to stop pretending that I need to fix it up to be okay. 

So I’m just getting rid of it. 

And I’m going to do it with my hairdresser, who’s so fun. She’s one of the funniest people I know. And we’re going to have some fun—shave off one side to see what that looks like, do a mohawk, just stand it up. 

And then I’m getting rid of it. I don’t think I’ll shave it. I think I’ll just go down real low. It’s cold, so I need some hats and I need some wigs. And clearly then the new journey, the new relationship with my head and my face, will begin. 

There’s no doubt I will cry, I will heal more, I will lean in, I will become closer to who I truly am at my core, which brings me tears of joy and gratitude for this journey.

So grateful I’m an alcoholic. So grateful that I’ve freed myself from using substances to be in touch with who I really am.

It’s really been beautiful. Thanks for being with me on this journey. I hope that your own true inner beauty and radiance shines out when you take off your mask and maybe your hair.

You don’t have to go that far if you don’t want to, but I will be videoing the whole experience and sharing clips of it. And I will be showing up to continue my teaching of getting back to our true nature with no hair, and maybe with long blonde hair—who knows what kind of wigs will show up.

So stay tuned for the fun, and thanks so much for caring about yourself and about recovery and discovery!

And tell me in the comments, what’s something you have resistance around that you’re ready to let go of?