Often when I’m introducing families to our Dear Family Framework, a lot of family members show up like, “Yeah, Kate, this all sounds great, but I don’t even want to help them anymore. I’m done.”

I get it. 

You’re done because all your efforts to try to help have just wiped you out. Your loved one is still using, and you feel completely shredded. You’re at the point where you’ve got to put yourself back together with or without them.

Here’s my message to you:

You are not crazy.

Your loved one is sick, and you’ve been killing yourself trying to get them better when all it’s done is made you worse.

It’s okay to stop.

Stop right now. Stop what you’re doing. Stop helping in that way. Drop the rope and do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Because it’s not about you.

Your loved one is not drinking because of you. They are not sick because of you.

It is not your fault. And you are worth it.

I want you to tell yourself this over and over:

“Their problem has nothing to do with me. It is not because of me.”

If your loved one is active, I’m sure they’re telling you otherwise. They’re blaming you for everything, saying if you’d just do this and that for them, they’d get better.

But they are under the influence of their addiction, and addiction lies.

It’s the thing I want to yell at the partners, parents, spouses, siblings, children of alcoholics above all else: “It’s not your fault!”

Write it down a hundred times. Write it bold and in all caps. Read it out loud as many times as you need to:

THEIR ADDICTION IS NOT MY FAULT. 

Their problem has nothing to do with me. 

It is not because of me.

If you are feeling “done,” here is my suggestion:

After what’s probably been years of trying to help only to have that help rejected, I’m willing to bet you feel like there’s not much left of you.

So I say, put yourself back together. 

Do what you need to do to take care of yourself and make yourself well. Take back the parts of yourself that you’ve lost. Find yourself again.

And then when you’re all back together, you can decide if and how you want to help.

Because you know what? It’s actually helpful for your loved one for you to put yourself back together. 

By taking care of yourself, you’re actually helping them, even if you never speak to them again. 

What’s not helping is you falling apart as a result of trying to help.

If you don’t know how to put yourself back together…

I suggest you start with our Stop the Chaos 1.0 Self-Study Training. 

While this training does offer ways to help for those still wanting to try, at its core, this program is about you. It looks at the ways you have become unwell as a result of your loved one’s addiction, walks through how you can take your power back to rebuild your connection to self, and provides resources to help you do just that.

When you join today for just $97, here’s what you receive:

• Instant, lifetime access to over 6 hours of video trainings packed with information on addiction and how you’ve been impacted
• Action steps to start doing things differently right away
• Worksheets, tools, and practical resources to guide your new recovery skills

Get Stop the Chaos 1.0 here.
I’d love to hear from you—do you believe your loved one’s addiction is not your fault? What does hearing that bring up for you?