This memory recently showed up on my feed from 11 years ago. It was four months before I got sober, and what struck me when I looked at this picture was just how good I was at fooling anyone who cared about me about what I was really feeling inside.
Would you know from looking at this photo that I was on a passive suicide mission?
Would you know that I was already intoxicated here even though this was earlier in the day?
That’s because by this point, I needed to drink every single day in order to get up. In order to not shake. In order to just get by.
I was really good at not letting you know what was really going on.
I also did not understand what was happening to me.
￼I was terrified, lonely, and confused.
And I was angry at anyone that tried to care. Not because I didn’t love you, but because I didn’t love me.
That means I was mean to those I love.
My anger had nothing to do with you. It was entirely my problem, but I had zero coping skills and very poor emotional regulation.
Today, I’m not hiding in the back.
I’m out front and I want the world to know someone you love might be suffering silently inside.
Please talk about it. Whether with a friend, a therapist, at an AA or Al-Anon meeting, or at our weekly Double Circle meeting.
Find somewhere that you feel safe to share. You can always reach out to me at firstname.lastname@example.org. I’m here to help you talk about it.