A great question was asked in our Friends of Tipping Point online community recently. Here it is:

“I read about the addict and their brain not processing properly, but what do you do if they think they are just fine? Do you acknowledge you cannot discuss certain issues with them because ‘their brain is not working properly’ or is that not staying in your own lane? I’m dealing with someone in complete denial about what this has done to their thinking, and yet they still want to discuss serious subjects regarding finances and children.”

*Keep in mind that any response I give to questions such as these are done for educational purposes only and should not be taken as advice. For specific advice, book a connection call with me so I can get to know the specifics of your situation.

What do you do when your loved one thinks they’re fine?

It is highly likely that your loved one who is in active addiction will say they are fine. It’s not just your loved one; it’s all addicts. This is because the illness of addiction prevents them from being able to understand and fully accept the reality of their disorder initially (or even for a long time).

Addiction has stages, and someone in an early stage is locked into denial. They have very little to no access to acceptance, willingness, or ability to understand the truth of their situation.

I remember the first time I went to treatment being told that if I wanted to stay well, I could never have alcohol again because I wouldn’t be able to stop. And I sat there thinking, that may be true for other people, but it isn’t true for me.

I wasn’t at the stage yet where I could accept that addiction is a lifelong condition, or even that I was in fact an addict.

It’s important to understand their denial is not a choice and does not need to be permanent.

It’s easy to view your loved one’s denial as a negative, immoral thing of them choosing not to accept what’s going on, and I know how much it feels like that’s the case. But it’s important to remember that denial is how addiction presents.

You can’t force someone into acceptance or make them understand. Trying to do so is like trying to stop the rain. They will move through stages, and there are a lot of stages at play—stages of addiction, stages of change, stages of recovery. 

These are all systems that we work within at Tipping Point Recovery rather than try to fight against. Because no matter how hard we fight for them to change, it’s highly unlikely your loved one will wake up one day and say, “Oh my gosh, you’re right! I get it now, I’ll stop.”

What I teach you at Tipping Point Recovery is for you to know – not for you to go try to teach them.   

It is not your job to tell your loved one that their brain is not working properly.

It is not your job to convince them they have a problem.

It is not your job to do their recovery for them.

That is not what our programs are for. 

Our programs are to inform you on how you can interact with your loved one in a new way that is healthier for you (and therefore better for them!).

So what can you do?

Rather than argue with the addiction (which will only pull you deeper into chaos), the first thing you can do is adjust your expectations. 

Take a moment to reflect on whether you are expecting your loved one to do something they are not capable of doing at the current stage of their disorder. 

Next, ask yourself the following:

• What do you want to have happen in this situation? (e.g., around children and finances)
• What is a boundary you would need to communicate and/or adjust with your loved one?
• What is something you can do to protect yourself and/or your children regardless of whether your loved one changes their behavior?

That last bit is important because it’s easy to forget that you do not need your loved one’s agreement in order to change how you operate.

We tend to get stuck in thinking, If he would just admit it. If she would just stop lying about drinking. If they would just accept what’s going on…

You cannot control when or if those things happen. You can control what YOU do in response.

So ask yourself the questions listed above, and feel free to book a connection call with me if you would like to inquire more. It’s thirty minutes with me on Zoom, totally free, where I can get to know the specifics of the situation and offer tailored advice.

And continue to post your questions in the online community. You’ll get input from not just me but the hundreds of other family members and recovering individuals there to support one another.
Tell me—what’s an expectation you’ve had to adjust recently? Share it with me in the comments.