Someone recently posted this question in our Friends of Tipping Point online community:

“How do I start a conversation without making [my loved one] defensive?”

Whenever we say anything like, “How do I get someone to do something?” “How do I control how they feel?” etc., it’s important to step back and remember that we can not make or get anyone to do or feel anything. You might want to read that one again!

All we can control is ourselves.

In this scenario, what you can control is how you start the conversation, so that’s what I’m going to address.

Tips for starting a conversation with an active loved one

1. Accept you cannot control how they feel

I know I just said this, but it bears repeating. No matter what you do, you do not have the control, magical ability, or ultimate power to make someone defensive or not. It’s a difficult thing for most of us to accept. We understand it rationally, yet we still try.

It takes time to integrate the understanding of something like this to the point where we’re operating from that understanding. But giving yourself the reminder before you enter into a conversation helps. 

Say it to yourself out loud or write it down: “I cannot control whether or not someone gets defensive. It’s actually not my responsibility, and I do not have that power.”

2. Recognize your loved one is not their addiction

It’s common for someone active in their addiction to be defensive because addiction is an illness that defends itself. And when your loved one is active, their addiction is the one in the driver’s seat.

I sometimes picture it as a windshield that’s all foggy with rain. That’s what addiction looks like to me. And the person with the addiction is trapped inside the car, looking through that foggy window. And when anyone tries to get close to clear the windows off, the addiction snaps at them.

That’s what happens when your loved one is being defensive. It’s their illness, their condition, their addiction, trying to protect itself. 

Your loved one is still inside there somewhere, and you can look for their real, true essence. The more you can distinguish what is your loved one from what is their addiction, the easier it will be for you to shut their addiction out.

Also recognize that you don’t have to not speak just because addiction is defending itself. You can still communicate the things that matter to you even when they are defensive.

3. Ask for permission

A way I like to start conversations is with transition statements. For example:

“Is this a good time to talk? I have something I want to talk to you about.”

Asking for permission in this way gives the other person a chance to catch their breath a little and see if they have the capacity to engage in a conversation right now. It’s a way to ease in so they don’t feel as caught off guard. 

Keep in mind that the person may respond with no; it may not be a good time for them. In that case, you can try following up with, “Okay. When might be a good time for me to check in on it again?”

4. Keep it brief

If somebody’s in active addiction and they’re very defensive, you’re not going to rationalize with them, no matter how hard you try. Dragging it out will only add to your own frustration and drag you back into the chaos.

Keep it short and sweet by communicating what you need to say and leaving it there. If they respond in a receptive way and are open to talking about it more, great. If not, leave it and walk away.

5. Use “I” statements

Using “I” statements helps you to talk about how you feel and what steps or changes you are going to make (which is important since you are the thing you can control). This makes it a lot harder for someone to be defensive since you aren’t even talking about them. You’re sharing your own experience, which they can’t deny.

They may still get defensive.

And that’s okay. I invite you to shift the goal from making them not defensive to you showing up, giving them the best chance of not being defensive, and then not attaching if they are defensive to your worth. 

How you feel, what you say, and how you approach the conversation are yours to manage.

How they feel and react in response is theirs to manage.

For more tools and resources to help you communicate and connect with your loved one in a healthier way, here’s where you can start:

1. Get my book, Dear Family, Why Your Loved One Won’t Accept Help and How To Help Them Anyway. It’s a comprehensive outline of our Dear Family Framework.
2. Join our Stop the Chaos training to help you integrate the teachings into your own practice.
3. Book a connection call to explore how we might help your family. 

Let me know in the comments a tip you’ve learned for having productive conversations with your loved one.