I want to tell you about a morning in my home 14 years ago. I recently shared this story in a workshop. 

I was out running errands one morning, an extra large Dunkin’ cup in the cupholder. It wasn’t coffee. While I was gone, one of my three teenage kids went into my closet and pulled out the eight empty bottles on the closet floor. They lined them up on the kitchen table. 

Waiting for me.

I remember walking in and having two distinct voices go off in my head at the exact same time.

One said, “OMG Kate, what are you doing? Tell them the truth.”

The other said, “OMG how dare they disrespect their mother like this.”

Both voices were mine. Both were loud. And I had to choose, right there, which part of me to respond from.

What part do you think won?

The sick part. I said “I cannot believe you are speaking to me this way,” and I stormed off. 

This is one of the most important teachings we talk about in our family treatment program. Your loved one is not their illness. I know how hurtful this is, I know how maddening it is. But the illness is living in them, drowning out who they really are. It splits people into two. The soul that loves you doesn’t disappear. It gets hijacked by a disease that will use anything, even your own children’s fear, to protect itself.

And you can get hijacked by fear. And sickness + fear does not = recovery. 

If you are on the other side of a table like that one right now, staring at bottles or pills or a phone full of things you didn’t want to see, I want you to hear this. The voice in you that wants to defend, deny, or disappear is not evidence you’re a bad parent or partner. It’s evidence of how powerful this disease is. It can hijack you for a minute too. It happened to me.

The work isn’t pretending that this split doesn’t happen. The work is learning to recognize it in the moment, and choosing which part of you to respond from.

That’s exactly what we teach families how to do inside Foundations. Not after the crisis is over. In the middle of it.

Speak soon,
Kate

P.S. If today, tonight, or any moment this week feels like that kitchen table, you don’t have to figure out which part of you to respond from on your own. Book a connection call with our team and let us help you: Book here.