In a recent Facebook live inside our Friends of Tipping Point community, I pulled up a tool we have here at Tipping Point called the Addiction Impact Assessment, where you self-assess on a scale of 1-10 in terms of how strongly you believe in each statement. There one was statement in particular I wanted to focus on:
#5: I am fully confident in my loved one’s ability to recover.
Or to put it another way: do you believe your loved one can absolutely recover? Do you believe that anyone can?
My goal is for you as a family member to have no doubt in your mind that anyone and everyone can recover.
A lot of families come to Tipping Point not believing because of what their loved ones are showing them.
This makes sense.
This principle on our assessment first came up years ago when I was helping a mom create phrases that she could say to her son to encourage him, and I suggested, “What about ‘I believe in you’?” And she said, “But I don’t.”
What if you don’t believe?
It makes sense that she didn’t believe. It makes sense that you may not either.
Because what have you seen? You’ve seen your loved one not follow through. You’ve seen them lie and make excuses. You’ve seen them appear not to want it. You’ve seen them go in and out of treatment, try and try and not stay sober.
One of the key things I try to make sure all families understand is that someone active in addiction doesn’t have what they need internally in order to want it or often keep it.
In order to want recovery enough to work for it day after day, we need resilience, self-esteem, self-worth, tenacity, strong emotional bandwidth, and time for our brains to heal.
You as their family can’t give them those things directly. You can’t give someone self-worth or resiliency. What you can do is contribute to the circumstances around them to help create that want and belief within themselves. This is what we teach you to do in our programs.
People with addictions don’t believe in themselves. They feel shame, they don’t feel worthy, they don’t feel they can, they don’t think it’s gonna work for them, etc. They’re actually the hardest ones to convince that they can recover, which is why it’s so critical that they end up surrounded by people recovering.
And it’s why I want you to recover, because you can be one of those people around them that helps them see that they can recover.
How do you increase your belief?
The number one thing you do to increase your belief that your loved one can recover is to watch people recover. There are many ways you can do this.
You can do it here at Tipping Point. Our Double Circle Meeting takes place each week via Zoom where both family members and those in recovery from substance use gather to share in recovery.
You can do it in our Family Recovery Membership. We have recovery panels each month where people in recovery come to share their stories with our members, in addition to many other live calls where we teach you all about addiction.
The other two suggestions I like to give are to go to an open AA or NA meeting, and to search on YouTube for “AA Speaker.”
You can tell your loved one you believe in them, even if you’re not sure you do. Because even just in saying it, it starts to become a little more true. As you hear others’ addiction experiences and recovery stories, you learn about the disease and the ways in which people find and keep recovery.
Where do you land?
So, where are you on a scale of 1-10 with this question? Do you believe anyone can recover, including your loved one? Drop your answer in the comments below.
If you’d like to join one of our group programs to strengthen your belief and recovery within an expert-guided container of other families doing the work and want to discuss it with Kate first, book a call here to discuss which program is right for you.