I want to tell you about a moment early in my recovery that most people would assume was a good one.

I was somewhere around 10 days sober. I went to a meeting and I got a chip. When I walked up to get the chip, I could feel that people were going to clap. 

People clapped.

And inside, my whole body was screaming, “please don’t clap, please don’t clap.” For a reason I really cannot explain, I felt like if they clapped, I was going to drink.

I walked out and that’s exactly what I did.

The applause was earned. But the applause is also exactly what made it unbearable. Suddenly there was an expectation attached to me. People were proud of me. People were rooting for me. And the part of me still run by the disease heard all of that as pressure, not celebration, and it panicked.

Now, please do not take this little story of mine as “ok I won’t clap for my loved one” because for someone else, that might be just what helps them. That’s the part of this illness that is so damn confusing. 

Progress can trigger the disease just as much as struggle can.

The pressure of doing well, the fear of letting people down, the shame of “what if I mess this up now that everyone’s watching,” can be just as dangerous as a bad day.

If your loved one has ever relapsed right when things seem to be going well, right after a milestone, right after everyone finally started to breathe easier, this might be why. It wasn’t that the good stretch was fake. It’s that the good stretch came with a weight they weren’t yet prepared for.

Yet. 

Understanding this doesn’t mean you stop celebrating progress. It means you simply understand that it’s complex. You can learn to watch for what’s underneath it, and that’s a big part of what we teach inside Foundations, how to actually see what’s happening instead of only reacting to what’s on the surface.

Speak soon,
Kate

P.S. If a relapse after “things were going so well” caught your family off guard, you’re not alone, and there’s a reason for it. Book a connection call with our team here: Book here.